A Pirate’s Life

I recently have been experiencing something that is having a profound effect upon my life. I know what your thinking, “D. Parker, you must have tried those new dark chocolate cherry Raisinettes!” And you are right, I have tried those, and yes those little love nuggets have changed my life, despite the fact that I can’t stop wondering why they are still called Raisinettes instead of Cherryettes. But what I’m talking about has not affected my life for the better, but for the worse, and I suppose we can just add it to the growing list of things that I can use as excuses for neglecting my domestic duties.

I’m talking about swollen gums. First of all, I must clarify that I have always been somewhat obsessive about dental hygiene. I carry a toothbrush in my purse, in my car, (and a tiny one in my tiny bra if I’m not carrying a purse) since I gave up gum chewing 5 years ago. So when I first noticed that my gums felt sore while I was enjoying my mid-morning brush during my bikini wax, I thought, how so? I had recently been to the dentist and been given my usual clean bill of Good Dental Health, with the usual compliments on my beautiful white, Chicklet-like teeth (which I always find odd, as there are many days in the week when I realize at bedtime that the only liquids I had consumed all day were coffee and red wine). I felt fairly confident that my swollen gums could not be related to gingivitis or halitosis (shudder the thought), or any other dental problem. But my waxing session ended and as I shoved my toothbrush back into my purse I got distracted by an ingrown hair and forgot about my gums.

Until that evening. And the next morning. And that next afternoon, at which point I decided to take a look in the mirror and holy crap how long had I been walking around with gums three shades darker red than my lips? No wonder that cute kid at Starbucks hid behind his mother this morning when I smiled at him: he was terrified! I made a mental note to stop smiling until things reverted back to normal, whenever that would be. It was around this time that I began to notice that the inside of my lips felt a little funny, and I seemed to be producing an inordinate amount of saliva.

Drooling during the day isn’t something I’m necessarily used to, and it can be slightly embarrassing. Let’s say you’re standing at the table cutting up a chicken nugget for your 3 year old niece and she asks why you are using a spoon instead of a knife. And as you open your mouth to make some lame excuse like “I didn’t want the spoon to feel left out,” a puddle of saliva leaves your mouth and lands on her Happy Meal. Luckily nobody else is there to witness that trauma, so it’s really her word against yours, and she’s a little liar anyway.

I started to wonder if I should throw a drool bucket around my neck. I could probably camouflage it as a “statement” necklace if I worked on it a bit with my Bedazzler. But what was happening to me??? Maverick rolled his eyes when I cried to him about it…or maybe he was wiping my spit out of his eyes. My kids were even less sympathetic, as by this point I was having difficulty speaking clearly, between the saliva and the swollen lips. They started doing weird things like offering to clean up after dinner and fold laundry so I could “go to bed early.” But I know my daughter was just worried I’d try to chat with her friends who were on their way over. Normally I enjoy embarrassing my kids, but on my terms. This was no way to live. I had to figure out what was going on.

Gums throbbing, lips dribbling, I turned to the Almighty Internet and thankfully, was able to narrow it down to two things. I was either afflicted with scurvy, or I was experiencing yet another wonderful symptom of peri-menopause. I’ve always been a big fan of pirates, so I was a little excited that perhaps there was something I had in common with one….But then I looked at a photo and DAMN, that scurvy is nasty. Plus it’s caused by a deficiency of citrus, which I’m a big fan of, and usually have several slices of lemon and or lime and sometimes even orange, in my cocktails. So it had to be the other.

Should you too, be of a certain age, and find yourself with this affliction, don’t despair. It only lasts for a five days at a time, and once you have come through the other side of menopause, in anytime between 2 and 10 years, it’s sure to go the way of the night sweats, hot flashes and your waistline. In the meantime, I have discovered that donning a pair of fake teeth with either a diamond chip or a gold cap, will keep people from noticing your gums, and has the added bonus of making you look phat. Which I think is ghetto for cool.