How Lovely to Meet You!

I knew yesterday was going to be a challenge because I woke up with this throbbing feeling on my face. A glance in the mirror revealed a humongous thing that was either a pimple or an alien, considering it was the size of a large grape, that had erupted on my lower jaw, completely distorting the proportions of my face which isn’t looking too good to begin with. I imagined the newspaper headlines: “Woman Gives Birth to Tiny Baby Through Her Face.” “Woman’s Face Explodes in Cereal Aisle, Creating Rainstorm of Lucky Charms.” “Woman’s Twin Finally Born…45 Years Late.” At any rate, it was obvious that we were going to be spending quite a bit of time together, so I named it Louise and went downstairs to make coffee. Only to find Maverick standing, shell-shocked, in front of the coffee machine with what looked like a little tear in his eye. The coffee machine was dead. Cue the violins. He left for work confidently aware that he could get a good cup at the office, where I, on the other hand, knew full well that it would take me hours to camouflage Louise well enough to show my face in Starbucks.

I started to consider why I go through the trouble of trying to hide a blemish. Even when I do a decent job of covering it up, I’m always self conscious and usually end up pointing it out to people anyway. Like that time I was meeting Miles’ girlfriend for the first time and I was carrying around an enormous herpes on my lip, like a big ol’ purse. Of course I was pretty wacked out to begin with: we had been driving for two days on our annual trek to the Sunshine State, I had melted chocolate on the lap of my pants, and the seat of my pants were wet from sitting on the dog’s water bottle. I hadn’t showered in over 24 hours, nor had I had a drop of alcohol, which was clearly what I needed. I was worried about the dog because she wouldn’t relieve herself at the rest stops, and she had just stepped into a hill of fire ants during our last attempt. Plus, I was just at that point of exhaustion where I think everything is funny. Hysterical. Really. So I jump out of the car to meet this poor girl and I can’t think of anything to say because I really want to ask her if she caught the episode of Real Housewives of Orange County last night, since we missed it, but I know she’s a real smarty pants and I want her to think I’m a smarty pants too, so I’m tongue tied. The only thing I can come up with is the story about why Maverick is wearing a pair of ladies sunglasses, but he starts shooting me dirty looks, so I drop it to point out how filthy my clothes are and how I wasn’t having a good hair day and before I know it I am introducing her to my herpes. Literally. I’m sure her head was spinning because I was on a real roll, and she was kind enough to say she didn’t even notice Ron (my herpes), when I feel a little tingle, and wouldn’t you know it, Ron starts to bleed. “Well, surely you notice him now!” I exclaim, nervously laughing, begging passers-by for a tissue because we had used up all of ours trying to dry off my pants after the water accident. Now she and Miles are looking at me with their mouths hanging open, so I decide to stop talking about myself and segue into a commentary on the people who we dined next to the night before at the Cracker Barrel, and how the father had an enormous mole on his face, that was even bigger than Ron, truthfully, even bigger than Louise, and we couldn’t stop staring at it. Bianca swears she saw it move on it’s own, and I think she even had a little nightmare about it. Anyway, as they finally dragged me back to the car, I heard someone mention something about about a straight-jacket and medication, but I couldn’t really hear them, I was still hysterically laughing, and immediately launched into crying because I had to say goodbye to Miles. So you see that D. Parker in public with any kind of blemish is just a recipe for disaster.

But so is starting my day without a cup of java, and thank goodness for the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through. I wasted not a second, jumped in the car in my bathrobe and socks, hoping Charles would get out of bed on time and not be late for school, which would require me to sign him in, and again, LOUISE….Of course there’s a line of a thousand cars at the D&D, so realizing I wouldn’t be back home in time to make Charles breakfast, I decide to add two donuts to my order, as I start calling his cell phone continuously to get him out of bed. He doesn’t answer, and I decide to add two more donuts, for his lunch. I finally get up to the speaker, and order “four chocolate Manager’s Specials and an extra large coffee, cream, no sugar.” Woo hoo!! Everything will be better, when that first hit of caffeine enters my blood stream! I pull up to the window, relieved that Louise is on the OTHER side of my face, so I won’t frighten anyone, and hand the garbage from my cupholders to Dunkin’ Donuts Sales Executive Juan. Maverick says this is not acceptable behavior, but they never refuse me, so how does he know? Anyway, Juan hands me a bag. Where’s my coffee? They are brewing a fresh pot, and would I mind pulling ahead and they will bring it to me in a minute?? YES, I would absolutely mind, don’t they have some old coffee they can pop into the microwave? No ma’am, but please pull ahead so they can help the next customer in line. UGH! So I pull ahead, and as I’m wondering if Charles is lithe and limber enough to climb through his classroom window to avoid the sign in, Juan sneaks up to my passenger window with my coffee!

For a brief second I consider burning rubber to get away from him, but I really need that coffee. As I roll down the window I witness the widening of his eyes, and the dropping of his jaw… and a strange sensation comes over me as I hear a familiar voice saying, “Hello, Juan. This is Louise.”