This Weekend Sucked

Boy oh boy did this weekend suck. You might think I’m being premature in my statement, it only being Sunday evening as I write this, and tomorrow being a holiday. And all I can say to that is I CERTAINLY HOPE SO!

There were all the trappings of a great weekend: the extra day off, Indian Summer in the forecast (or am I supposed to say Native American Summer? is that the same thing?) no major plans because Mav was working, which I thought would be a welcome change from the usual chaos around here. But somehow a weekend that started off with a lovely beachside lunch with a close friend on Friday, has death-spiraled to a solo Sunday evening with a bottle of wine and a peanut butter Snack Well’s bar. Maybe the crappy salad on Friday was a clue.

“D.Parker,” you must be thinking to yourself, “why a stupid Snack Well’s bar instead of a lovely cheese platter?” And I would add to that, “Why does Snack Well’s insist on using an apostrophe on ‘Well’s?'” Two excellent questions, yet I can only speak to the former. Maverick and I are trying to stick to some stupid diet because we want to lose weight, but we are pretending it’s because we’re trying to be healthy. Notice my correct use of apostrophes in that sentence.

We are consuming monster amounts of vegetables. So many that we’ve resorted to juicing them because our mouths get so tired from all the chewing. I’ve also cut out bread and cheese and I might as well cut off my big toes, because like you think you don’t need your big toes, they actually are very important to your balance, in addition to rounding out a pedicure nicely. As you know, bread and cheese pair much better with wine than a Snack Well’s, with or without the apostrophe, yet they are not conducive to losing weight. You can imagine how dinners have been in my house lately, what with the diet and the table down to three…Charlie summed it all up last week while pretending to choke down his asparagus as he cut the “crust” off his boneless, skinless, “crust”less grilled chicken breast by saying, “These dinners you’ve been making lately just don’t fill me up.” Pearls of wisdom from the mouth of a boy who is a Master Pretender at cleaning his plate. But I digress.

This would have been a good weekend to do some fall planting, and I am sure most of you did just that. But I hate mums. Like really a lot. I went so far as to clean out my planters of all the brown, shriveled, summer flowers, and I even pulled a few weeds in the yard. Then I went to the nursery. And I came home with a bottle of tequila from the liquor store next door.

As I made my first batch of margaritas I started to consider why I bothered to take a shower that morning? I hadn’t come in contact with anyone I know, and it wasn’t looking like anyone was on the horizon. For goodness sakes, I certainly could have conserved the water and used the time to ponder why Bianca never calls, only texts…which would have reminded me to check the tracking on my new iphone… which would have reminded me how sad it is that Steve Jobs died…and by this time the margarita was ready, thank goodness.

After a Saturday night dinner of Friday night leftovers, I rented a Disney documentary called “African Cats.” Who knew it would leave me in tears?? Damn those hyenas! And why did Lara the Lioness have to go off and die like that? Why didn’t those stupid camera men get in there and bring her back to America for some surgery? Sure she would have ended up in a zoo, but isn’t that better than dying under a Banyan tree with the hyenas waiting to eat her up and the vultures waiting to pluck her eyes out? Poor little Mara left alone without a mother! And what about the adorable little cheetah babies that were eaten by those Damn Hyenas! I hate hyenas even more than I hate mums! I sobbed myself to sleep on the sofa, and don’t tell me that I was transferring my feelings about missing Bianca and Miles, I am completely over that. I just was really, really sad about Fang being chased away from his pride by those nasty lions from the other side of the Nile, especially with that broken tooth hanging by a thread outside of his mouth, it must have really hurt like a mother.

I woke up this morning ready for a fresh start, another beautiful Native American Summer day, Charles’ (yes, that is the correct use of the apostrophe) football game to attend, and the blind hope that accompanies each day we see the sun rise in the sky. I even took a shower and did my hair.

Well, our team won the game, but by such a large margin I actually left the field feeling badly for the other team, and once home, Charles left to go celebrate with his teammates. Making the highlight of my day the quarter cup of extra spicy hummus and handful of whole grain pita chips I had for lunch, and that’s right, no veggies!

Which brings me to the present. Halfway through a bottle of wine that splattered on my nicest, white tee-shirt as I popped the cork, while I await the Friday/Saturday night leftovers heating up in my oven. I would have stuck them in the microwave but I thought the oven would be more entertaining. I even answered the phone just now when the number came up “unknown” on caller ID and had a conversation with a lovely Indian woman (that’s Indian from the country of India) trying to sell me a subscription to “Popular Mechanics.” Might have been the first time she hung up on someone.

Maverick is off tomorrow and he’d better have something really fabulous planned. It’s supposed to be another beautiful Native American Summer day, my hair is washed, and yes, once again, that was the right way to use an apostrophe.

4 thoughts on “This Weekend Sucked”

  1. I almost feel as sorry for you as for Fang with the tooth hanging out by a string. That is a very depressing image.
    I hope the Italian-American holiday comes through for you! Reading your blog was the best part of my day!

  2. The good news is that you won’t be sitting home this Saturday night!! A fun evening of enormous shrimp await you!!

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