Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving 2016 has come and gone quicker than an avocado turns brown, and while I have so much to be thankful for (my family, my friends, my health, indoor plumbing, bla bla bla) that makes for a pretty boring blog, so I thought of a few other things that I was grateful for this holiday that I would like to share with my readers.

Firstly, I am grateful for the ginormous zit that emerged on my chin Thanksgiving morning.  I know what you’re thinking, “D.Parker, why would you be thankful for a red, throbbing boil on your face?” and the answer is because if I can still get a pimple on my face, I can’t be as old as I feel. Also, it may have detracted attention from the new, very deep wrinkle that has developed on my left jowl.

I’m very grateful that an e-cig didn’t explode in my pocket.  I don’t smoke, so if an e-cig ever found it’s way into my pocket, that would be quite a trick, but I saw on the news that they have been exploding in people’s pockets and it appears to be painful.  Even though it looks like fireworks and I do enjoy fireworks.

The Thanksgiving Feast has been at our house for the last 20 years, and this year my parent’s took it back.  When I showed up on Thursday morning and saw that raw turkey in the roasting pan, all prepped and ready for the oven, I knew that when we were giving thanks around the table I would say, “I am thankful that I didn’t have to touch that raw bird!”  Sure, it’s fun to wash a fresh 20 lb. poultry inside and out, wings slapping and splashing around the counter, up to your elbows digging parts out of the neck hole (if it is the neck hole…maybe it’s the other hole)…drying it off like a giant baby, rubbing butter and herbs all over and under the skin…microscopic particles of listeria, e.coli and god knows what else flying around the kitchen…good times!  But I was happy to finally give someone else a turn!

I am SO thankful that the only political disagreement we had was in regard to a local referendum.  Which, I may add, will have absolutely no bearing on my existence, despite the verve with which I argued my point.  But since we didn’t have any shockers (no announcements of pregnancy, engagement, or divorce… no unveiling of piercings, tattoos or third nipples… no surprise guests, no family secrets disclosed [“Little Max, it pains me to say it, but Donald J. Trump is your real father!”]), I figured one feisty discussion over property taxes could keep things interesting.

I’m thankful that I didn’t burn down my mother’s kitchen. I’m pretty certain she shares my sentiment.  My fire fighting skills are lacking and when that piece of parchment paper, hidden under the foil that keeps the stuffing from drying out, somehow touched the bottom of the oven and exploded into flames, we had a come-to-Jesus moment.  My brother and I apparently both failed our grammar school “Stop, Drop and Roll” lesson; for neither did we stop, drop nor roll; we stood, stared and shouted, “FIRE! FIRE!” before we snapped to and started blowing on the flames.  Ultimately causing them to rise.  Cooler heads prevailed and luckily the fire extinguisher wasn’t within a mile of the oven or the entire feast would have been ruined.

Did I mention that this was the first time in 20 years that I didn’t host the Feast?  Do I seem sad about that?  I’m not.  I’m grateful.  Mostly for not having to spend five days hand-washing stemware, setting tables, hand-washing stemware, making centerpieces, hand-washing stemware, and then doing it all in reverse, until three in the morning, blind drunk, only to discover in the morning that blind-drunk cleaning doesn’t work very well, and then doing it all over again.

I’m thankful that my Mav bought a US Army-grade snow scraper for his car.  It arrived in the UPS truck the day after Thanksgiving and it was like a Thanksgiving Miracle, what with all the snow we were having.  Oh, wait…we weren’t having any snow.  In fact it seems as though we are heading into spring instead of winter, thanks to global warming.  So it’s very likely Mav will never get to use his fancy scraper with the telescoping, heavy-duty brush on one side and industrial grade metal mini snow shovel on the other.  But it makes him happy to feel prepared.  And when he’s happy I’m thankful.

I’m thankful for this laptop that I’m typing on right now, that has been handed down to me.  It was Maverick’s several years ago, and then he handed it down to Bianca and then when she went to college she gave it to Charles, and when he went to college he didn’t know that I was gonna take it but I did.  Now it’s mine and I’m not complaining that I’m the only person in the family besides the dog who has never gotten a new computer. Quite to the contrary, I’m very happy that I can sit on the couch and write this blog, buy things for myself and check my Instagram all while I’m pretending not to watch “West World.”

And last but not least, I’m thankful for Cayenne Cleanse flavored Kombucha.  ‘Nuf said.