It’s over. I vaguely recall high-heeled shoes, parties, Christmas balls and presents; but my memories are foggy, booze-tinged, cookie hazed. More evident are the remnants of a red-sparkled pedicure on my toes, and my dog still walking around the house in a red and green argyle sweater. For moi, the holiday season wrapped up with a two-day, “Downton Abbey” Marathon (thank you PBS!), a 1/2 pound box of dark chocolates and an outbreak of nasal herpes…to keep things balanced I simultaneously watched workout videos on my phone and read through recipes in my new cookbook, bookmarking the workouts I “liked” and the recipes that looked “healthy.” Nonetheless, I find January to be a real downer. In a vain attempt to fill the gaping void left in my soul when my kids went back to their lives, the Christmas tree went back into its bag, and my favorite Christmas wine glass went back into the cabinet, I ate every last cookie and finished all those half-empty bottles of wine. And then I felt worse.
It doesn’t help that at this very moment, I have friends vacationing in Aruba, St. Barth’s and South Africa. When they get home, I’ll bid farewell to a second set of friends off to destinations like Aruba, New Orleans, Puerto Rico and Sarasota. (I really need to put Aruba on my bucket list….) They are generous enough to share their experiences through texts and photos every day: toes in white sand, drinks in coconuts, and wild animals (not teenagers, real wild animals!) like lions and zebras and elephants. Yesterday I had a glass of wine, and I saw a squirrel, so ya know, things are pret-ty exciting around here too. And even though I keep thanking them for the pics, and respond with texts like, “Keep them coming!” and “I’m so happy for you, it looks amazing!” and “Hope you’re having a great time-you DESERVE it!” I’m actually seething with jealousy and wish they would CEASE AND DESIST and allow me to muddle my way through the most miserable month of the year in peace.
Now that it’s almost behind me I’m buoyed by the realization that February is a short month, and I have my very own vacation in three weeks. I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, D.Parker…how did you get through January?” Well, I thought you’d never ask! Jot these ideas down, and pull them out on January 2, 2018. You’re welcome.
- Plan one or five trips. If you can’t take any trips plan them anyway. I have planned a lot of trips that never come to fruition, mostly because Mav only half pays attention when he talks to me. So like when he said, “Why aren’t we going to Santorini?” I took it as a green light to go ahead and plan a trip to Greece. Understand that when D.Parker was a just a little D.Parker, she played “travel agent” when other kids were playing “house,” so when I say I planned a trip, I don’t mean I booked a hotel. I mean every flight, train and transfer, dinner reservation, museum, tour or theatre ticket..all in place and waiting for the click of a mouse. Even the in-flight snack and movie is purchased in advance. A great investment of time is required to execute a perfect itinerary. An itinerary that gets dashed against the rocks, not unlike the azure blue waves crashing upon the cliffs of Santorini, when Maverick comes home and says, “Nah, I can’t travel right now.” After twelve hours of fighting the the deep desire to drop rat poison in his coffee, I instead drop the trip in my file, labeled… wait for it… “Trips.”
- Finish off the cookies and candy, if you haven’t already. Remember that crappy box of candy from that Harry&David gift basket that you almost threw away immediately…then decided to save for an emergency? The emergency is now, and trust me, even crappy candy tastes good in January.
- Binge watch Netflix….or HBO or Amazon Prime….obvi. I was pretty excited to get hooked on “The Crown,” which was a nice segue from Downton Abbey, and the next day I was even more excited to discover “Victoria” since I completely didn’t pace myself and had finished “The Crown.” And I don’t think it’s at all strange that when I dream at night I’m an English woman walking the streets of 20th Century London. With a basket on my arm.
- Go to the movies in the day….so you can have educated opinions about who should and shouldn’t win Academy Awards. ‘Cause your vote counts. No it doesn’t, you don’t get to vote. Add a measure of excitement and sneak in popcorn from home, cause it always tastes better when you don’t have to pay movie theatre prices. And if the movie sucks, it won’t be a total loss.
- Celebrate those little holidays. Epiphany is a perfect opportunity to buy yourself something… I mean it’s been a whole twelve days since the Fat Man came down your chimney. MLK Day gives you a long weekend to go skiing with the masses or read a book. This January brought us the Lunar New Year it’s a week long. There’s Presidents’ Day to look forward to soon enough, so why not treat yourself to “Hamilton?” If you hurry you can get tickets in time for next January. Hey, you DESERVE it!
- If you feel bad that you didn’t make any New Year’s Resolutions, you can turn it around by giving up something for Lent which will be here before you know it….but is still far enough away that you can pledge to give up alcohol, feel good and proud of that decision, and then be over it by the time Lent gets here. It’s a win win.
- Do you understand the physics of kinetic energy? I don’t. Not even a little bit. If you give a shit, and you know someone who can explain it to you, that can take up a lot of time. I mean, like, days. Not that it’s interesting or fun, but it can kill some major time. Just sayin’.
Happy New Year, y’all.
