Lots of people retire to Florida for the obvious reasons: the tax break, the weather and, of course, the Fountain of Youth. But for me, Florida is The Land of Invention. For it is only there, while lying on the pristine white beaches of the Gulf Coast, that my subtle spirit of entrepreneurism rises to the surface, and my creativity takes hold. When I retire, it is in this place that I will satisfy my life-long dream to…wait for it… open a watermelon stand.
I know, I know, you can’t believe there aren’t watermelon stands in operation already, nor can you believe I’m going to retire so soon before I actually get a job. What can I say, innovation calls.
One winter vacation a million years ago, my mother thought she had a brilliant idea: my little brother (Charles the First) and I would sell watermelon on the beach. It was a bold move, walking in from the Publix, two huge watermelons and a package of poster board in tow, but she was “sick and tired” of listening to us complain that Florida was “boring.” While I don’t doubt that we were annoying the shit out of her, the idea was a real shot in the dark: we were painfully shy children. Nevertheless she commenced with the slicing and wrapping, ordering us, with the sudden and shocking demeanor of an Army general, to make signs. The whole scenario was heinous. But we were stricken dumb: we were bored and she was being scary. Also we loved money. If Mom was right, we would be rich in no time.
Despite what we were taught, Mom is not always right. For three hours, Charles the First and I humped a heavy cooler up and down the beach, peddling our slices, dropping the price from 75 cents to, eventually, a dime, as our enthusiasm deteriorated into abject mortification. In a last ditch effort, somehow defying our timidity, we took the business right to the customer’s door…er, I mean beach blanket. No sale. You tell me how people tell two, scrawny, adorable (in a preppy, nerdy kind of way) kids that they won’t buy an ice-cold, refreshing, piece of watermelon for a dime. “No, thank you,” was the response again and again, each time like a dagger ripping into our barely-there, self confidence. Did I mention how fucking hot it was? I mean, have you ever walked by a lemonade stand without buying a cup? Have you always left a whole dollar even when the price was 25 cents? Right.
Humiliation not withstanding, the experience stirred something in me: that dormant spirit of entrepreneurism. This makes sense, considering I hail from a long line of failed entrepreneurs. My grandfather invented the binaural transmitter. Unfortunately an invention came along the next day rendering his obsolete, which is why I don’t summer in Newport with the Vanderbilts. And yet, Grandfather Harold’s spirit lives on in his brethren; it spurs us toward invention, but not success. The never-patented, baby-bottle holder; quilted tennis-racquet covers sold to a boutique that never re-ordered; homemade bread sold on busy street corners; a college care package service that was too ahead of it’s time…all grand ideas doomed to failure.
But watermelon is a crowd pleaser and I’m convinced that Charlie One and I would have been successful, had we had better marketing. A tiki hut manned by sexy lifeguards in bikinis and swim trunks, live reggae music and a good price point is how I’m going to start things off the second time around. Also, I’m fully prepared to offer a free shot of tequila with every slice if business seems slow.
To be honest, I have better ideas waiting in the wings, and as soon as the watermelon sales take off I plan to parlay the profits directly into my other schemes:
What every beach resort needs are Sunscreen Spray Booths. Who doesn’t hate applying and reapplying suntan lotion, only to discover later that you missed a whole section of your thigh and completely forgot about your feet. Sure, we are all “concerned” about skin cancer, but truth be told it’s extremely disappointing to come home from vacation with an uneven tan. Furthermore, lugging sunscreen bottles is a real hassle, especially when you could be lugging beer instead. My SSB is shaped like a port-a-potty and works like a spray tan. Upon entering, you can strip off your bathing suit and get an automatic, full-coverage, spray with your SPF of choice. Hey Coppertone and Banana Boat: as soon as my patent goes through we can talk! Ca-ching.
That success should propel me to the standing in the business world needed to get noticed by McDonald’s. Perhaps then they will listen to my idea, an IDEA THAT I OFFERED THEM FOR FREE several years ago when it was conceived. This time around I’m not giving anything away.
Roll and Dip Pancakes, is really about the packaging and marketing of a product they already excel in, hotcakes. When Charles (II) was little, McDonald’s hotcakes were his breakfast of choice, which was a hassle when everyone else was ordering McMuffins. Eating on the beach with a knife and fork is like offering seagulls an engraved invitation to join you. Don’t forget to protect your eyes, from their talons and sharp-as-a-razor beak, when they swoop down and grab that giant hotcake off it’s plate. ROLL the pancake and eat it like a burrito! Make the syrup cup tall and narrow to accommodate a rolled-up pancake, make the pancakes smaller, stack them vertically, and we’ve got a whole new product. I even wrote a catchy jingle for the commercial. Singing toddlers, on beach blankets, in carseats and umbrella strollers, lives’ will be forever changed. And evenly-tanned mothers everywhere will thank me.
Watermelon anyone?
I still think it’s a good idea😂😂😂. You rock Dparker!
While in Puerto Rico I had a local ask if I was interested in fresh mojito right there on beach, ingredients to make in backpack, still kicking myself that I said no. Feeling more guilty now thinking about those watermelon days! Hey I tried to sell it too.
I personally think selling watermelon on the beach is genius. It might not have worked in Florida but Jerseys a whole new world. Watermelon on a hot day! What’s better than that …besides a fresh mojito?
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