Ugh.

Who is sick and tired of Gwyneth Paltrow? I AM!!!! Don’t get me wrong, I used to be a fan: of her acting and of course she is beautiful and oh, so sweet, and weren’t we all happy for her when she finally found true love, got married to the cool rocker and had those gorgeous little babies with the crazy names before everyone starting naming their kids after fruit and historic religious figures? I know we all wanted to hate her a LITTLE bit when she got her figure back so quickly, and seemed just so happy going to play groups without a nanny, hanging out in Central Park with Madonna, but how could we when she was just the NICEST?

It went a little bit wrong when she started to sing in the movies. The first time it seemed like a fluke. But then she did it again in that movie about the country singer, and she did it a lot. And then she was singing other songs on Sesame Street and then on the Grammys. Someplace in there she started showing up on “Glee” and singing there too. And people started talking about how she had a good voice, and hey who knew she could SING? Did she think just because she is married to a singer she could become one too? Or was she just so frustrated because he wouldn’t let her play with the mikes and tambourines and guitars and he hid the drumsticks from her, that she had to go out and find her own? I can kind of relate to that, but I also know my place. Clearly her parents didn’t ever teach her to “let someone else have a turn now,” because she keeps barreling along, being great at everything. “Hey Gwyneth,” I wanted to shout at her, “let the singers be the singers and you just get back to the acting!” If you have time, that is, as I know you are just so busy doing everything yourself to take care of your kids, which is SO remarkable you deserve a special award for that too, because MOST OF THE MOTHERS IN THE WORLD take care of their kids on their own, because that’s what being a mother means, and we all get awards for that too…NOT.

A couple of years ago she made an appearance with Mario Batali on some show and told everyone how she had been traveling around Spain with Mario, learning how to make the most perfect, special paella, and buying the most perfect paella pans to cook it in and oh, Gwyneth, how FUN for you to be traveling with Mario, you are just so fun and perfect! UGH.

I thought maybe she had given up the whole cooking thing to concentrate on her fabulous career as a singer which is so sickening because while I never wanted to be an actress, I do kind of want to be a back-up singer, well not only a back-up singer, but since my vocal skills consist only of enthusiasm and the ability to remember all the words to every song, and if it was recorded in my lifetime the year it was released, playing back-up is the most I can hope to achieve. And so as I have no real shot, it’s bothersome to me that the only reason she has a shot is because she’s already famous being an actress, and of course she has the connections of her husband. Oh and because she is so pretty. Ugh.

Anyway, I don’t know if you are aware of the fact that yours truly, D. Parker, is a damn good cook. A gourmet cook, some have even said. And I have come up the ranks studying the tomes of good cooking before there was even such a thing as The Cooking Channel and the Barefoot Contessa was thin(ner) and didn’t say “how blank is THAT” twenty times in a half hour. My meatballs are legendary, and the grand prize winner of more than one contest. In fact I defy anyone to find a better meatball than mine this side of the Atlantic, except in the best Italian restaurants in Manhattan and Chicago. So imagine my distress and disgust when I went to my mailbox the other day and pulled out my Bon Appetit magazine to find my nemesis, the beautiful and oh, so talented, Gwyneth Paltrow on the cover!!! Not only airbrushed and cooking at her perfect stove in her perect London flat where she goes when she gets tired of her perfect loft apartment in Soho, but actually promoting her new COOKBOOK!!! Kill me.

I just took a break from writing this to go and draw some snot coming out of her nose on the cover with a highlighter pen. I was going to draw a mustache, which I’m sure she doesn’t have and even if she did it would be perfectly blonde and invisible, but the only pen near the magazine happened to be a highlighter so as it was yellow, snot was the first thing that came to mind, so I did that. And then since I’m not a good artist like I am a good cook and good tambourinist, I drew an arrow and labeled it “snot” because it looked like little pebbles and even if anyone could see it, as the yellow highlighter doesn’t show up well on a glossy color photo, I didn’t want to garner any more attention and sympathy for her: “Oh look, poor Gwyneth Paltrow has pebbles coming out of her nose, and she still is so pretty!”

I am going to come right out and say it: Who the hell does she think she is?? Does she think she can become famous and renowned for every fucking (I apologize for the profanity, I am certain that Gwyneth never uses them), hobby she has just because she is already famous? Like all the idiot reality tv “stars” like the Real Housewives and the Jersey Shore morons and The Bachelor who launch clothing lines and “write” books on etiquette and spin off to different shows and sell margaritas with their name on it (which, by the way, I can make a damn good margarita with no added sugar and I am telling it’s so good because I am on my second one now). Hey you big hogs! Save something for the rest of us to get famous for! or not even famous, I just want to make a buck! Well, I wouldn’t mind being famous, but I would be content to get recognition for being good at SOMETHING. Gwyneth, do you really have to be famous for every little thing you do?? And hey, here’s another idea: why not donate the profits from your cookbook to the homeless instead of to yourself and your precious children with the stupid names?

Excuse me, I am taking a break to go draw a bonafide mustache on Gwyneth and maybe I will draw some shit coming out of her ass that looks so perfect in that Herve Legere dress that retails for $1400 and I will label it so people don’t think it’s pebbles and feel sorry for her. “Oh look at poor Gwyneth she has bowel stones and she still looks so pretty!”

Ugh.