I Can’t Wait To Get Old

So we are well into the new year and so far I’ve spent the better part of the month either lying on the sofa doing nothing or maniacally cleaning my house like there’s a contest. But I’ve also been contemplating the life that is D.Parker. Mostly about how I spend lots of time trying to better myself so I can look better and live longer. Genes notwithstanding, it’s likely that I’m going to be around long after my friends have kicked it. So I imagine that some day I’m going to stop trying to look younger and feel younger so I can live longer, but start relaxing and doing what I really want to do, and not give a damn what anyone else thinks. The real question is when will I be liberated? Fifty? Sixty? Eighty? Here’s some of the things I’m going to do:

I’m going to proudly enjoy watching all the terrible television shows that I watch in secret. Like right now I’m watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with my finger poised on the remote to switch it to NOVA if anyone walks into the room.

I’m going to stop coloring my hair. While I’m at it I might stop styling it as well. I’ll be the old lady with the grey bun. Or the ponytail or maybe I’ll just shave it all off and start wearing fabulous scarves. Yes, that’s more my style. Scarves. Long, colorful scarves.

I’m going to stop exercising. Completely. I might even take to a wheel chair just for the convenience. Then I can still wear great shoes without worrying I’m going to break my neck trying to walk in them. When I’m done with the exercising I’m going to kick up the eating. Fattening things like French cheeses and lots of pasta and I’ll stop worrying about protein and it will be all about the CARBS.

I’m going to stop bringing the shopping cart back to the front of the supermarket when I’m done using it. Nobody else does it and it’s starting to get on my nerves.

I’m not going to try and hurry when there is someone on line behind me who looks like they are in a rush. Like that person who was beeping at me this morning when I was using the drive through ATM. So I didn’t know you could deposit more than one check at a time, big deal! Furthermore if I am in the McDonald’s drive through and my order isn’t ready, I am NOT GOING TO PULL UP so you can “help the person next in line” and wait for you to run out with my food! I’m in the drive through and the people behind me can wait or you can run outside and give them their food!

I’m going to stop “saving” my free “pastry” at Panera that I’ve earned with my Panera frequent customer points for the next time I come in.

I’m going to be loud when I want to be, and not worry that I’m going to get “shushed” like that old grump in The Carlyle Hotel. I don’t give a crap that she lives in the hotel, the truth is she came into the restaurant in her slippers and it’s not her personal dining room and I’m not going to keep it down. Ditto to the woman in the museum who held her hands over her ears in such a dramatic fashion and made a face at me just because I was cracking my gum. Yes, you bitch, that was me who kept sneaking up behind you and snapping it right in your ear for the rest of the day….you weren’t doing crazy like you thought you were. When someone really pisses me off I make it my mission to seek revenge. It’s not like I have anything else to do.

I’m going to stop being nice to little kids I don’t know. Well, I guess I’ve already stopped doing that. And I’m also going to stop being nice to my kids’ friends, because from what I understand they are all afraid of me anyway. I thought I was super nice when I yelled at Charles’ friends after they broke his collar bone in an illegal football move the other night, but apparently all the buzz in the junior high is that I’m a scary bitch. Well, you know what? Let’s go with that.

I’m not going to be embarrassed if I don’t get dressed before noon on a weekend. I won’t run away and hide if someone rings the bell, whether it’s Bianca’s boyfriend or the UPS guy or a neighbor or the Girl Scouts or a Jehovah’s Witness, I will open the door and proudly display my layers of mismatched pajamas, my bedroom glasses and my giant fuzzy slippers. I’m in my house, dammmit, and I can dress how it pleases me. If I need to jump in the car I will do so, no matter that I’m not wearing underpants.

I’m going to curse without abandon. I know what you’re thinking: “But D.Parker, you already have a mouth like a truckdriver!” and that’s true, but clearly you don’t know how much I hold back.

I didn’t realize how long this list would be, and I could go on, but I just noticed a streak on the oven hood, which reminds me that I’m also going to give up cleaning. I really can’t wait.