Twelve Reasons to Call an End to the Holidays

When I was getting dressed this morning I noticed that there was some dried-up, previously-melted chocolate on the back of my belt. Most people probably wouldn’t be able to conceive of how that could happen. Most people probably live their whole lives and never find melted chocolate on the back of their belt. Those people are not D.Parker, because I knew immediately that my dark chocolate covered-peanut-eating-frenzy that had been played out over the last two days needed to come to an end; and not because I finally reached the bottom of the two-pound can, but because when you start dropping them on the couch where you are lying and eating them, eventually one finds it’s way to the back of your belt. The rest is just physics, or whatever kind of science has to do with melting.

I blame the whole scenario on the holidays, and decided then and there, as I was washing my belt, to call an end to the whole damn season. Yes, I realize that many people have already done this, what with the New Year and all the resolution making that goes along with that dreadful Day having passed already. In case you are like me and really enjoy the full Twelve Days of Christmas, here are a few signs that might help push you along. I like to call them the Twelve Signs of Christmas End.

We’ve already touched on Number 1: you find melted chocolate on your belt. Try to avoid the impulse to lick it off, even though it seems like the safest way to clean good leather, and not waste that delicious chocolate.

Number 2: People you are meeting for the first time, (like at that party you may or may not have actually been invited to, the bar you were in last night, or your sister-in-laws house) refuse to tell you their name. You will recognize this behavior immediately despite the number of drinks you have consumed, because it makes you feel like a jerk at first, and then on retrospect makes you worry about deeper things than the momentary embarrassment.

Number 3 (and this one goes along well with Number 2): You find yourself texting apologies to whomever you were out with the night before. For things you may, or may not have said; or may, or may not have done. Sometimes it’s better to be safe than sorry and just apologize for the whole lot.

Number 4: You find yourself considering buying a string bikini for your upcoming winter getaway. If this is something you have never in your life even remotely considered (like back when you were a size 0, and had the tight, smooth skin of a prepubescent teen) then come to terms with the fact that this window has closed, even if the thought of being able to loosen those strings on the hips whenever the moment (or the cheeseburger) strikes is a lovely and convenient idea.

Number 5: You think it’s not only acceptable, but actually nutritious and (while the verdict is still out on this, bear with me) maybe even healthy to eat cookies for breakfast. Yes, it’s true they are homemade and therefore have no preservatives, but your children are also tired of them and I’m not gonna lie, I did hear one of mine say something like “I think I just cracked my tooth on this f-ing cookie” this morning when I insisted that a gingerbread man with a little cream cheese was the Breakfast of Champions.

Number 6 (and this goes hand-in-hand with Number 5): You think it’s a good idea to have mimosas every morning with your cookies because you still have a half a case of champs in the garage. It’s not. Try and remember how many people brought you champagne through the season and I think you will agree that you have had more than enough, and you can save the rest for the next time your youngest takes out the trash without being asked, because you know that will be worthy of celebrating.

Number 7: You keep shopping and buying things because as long as the Christmas bills haven’t actually come in yet, it’s still Christmas, and let’s face it the sales are great and you didn’t get everything you really wanted anyway. Come on now and say it with me: Stop the Madness!

Number 8: You stopped going to the gym because it’s the holidays. Martin Luther King Jr. Day is right around the corner so at least you have that to look forward to. Meanwhile we need to start working off some of those cookies…string bikini or not.

Number 9: You are still wearing sequined attire in the daytime. While I tend to enjoy a little bling any hour of the day, any day of the week, I am tired of the loud whispering behind my back in the frozen food section of the supermarket.

Number 10: Charlie Rose is back on the morning news, and if his vacation is over then yours should be too. Especially because some people claim my whole life is a vacation, and the least I can do is get out of bed and make the coffee.

Number 11: “Downton Abbey” is back for Season 4.

Number 12: Spending the entire day lounging around the house on and off the couch in your pajamas still doesn’t seem like enough rest. It actually is more than enough, you have just lost touch with the real world (see Number 10…Charlie Rose will set you straight) and/or you have lost interest in everything that smacks of normal or routine (see Number 11…and don’t fret, Season Two of “House of Cards” is about to be released, and Mad Mad will be back in April).

If these tips seem like they could be helpful, I further suggest you print them out, and put them in your back pocket for easy reference…just watch out for that melted chocolate.