There's a Hair in My Mole

So it’s that crazy time of year when everyone is asking what’s on your Christmas list, and if you are a Christmas baby, like me, they’re also asking what you want for your birthday. If you’ve got kids they want to know what your kids want for Christmas and if you also have a Christmas baby, like me, what he wants for his birthday. And in addition to having to come up with all these ideas you have to also keep track of who is buying what, and be sure not to give an expensive idea to your sister-in-law who is out of work and not give the cheap idea to your millionaire uncle, and also make sure no two people buy the same thing because once the shopping time is over, the last thing you want to do is have at it all over again exchanging things.

I know what your thinking : “D. Parker, what do you want for Christmas?” How thoughtful of you to ask! Well, I’m usually easy to please and am happy with anything, because it’s really the thought that counts, right? I mean I really don’t need a god damn thing, thank goodness, but I do like stuff, and I really am partial to getting presents that are wrapped pretty. But I thought that this year it would be easier to make a list of things I don’t want, rather than the things I want, and I think I may really be onto something here, so in the giving spirit of the holidays I thought I’d share.

Here are some things I definitely do NOT want for Christmas:

I do not want appliances. While some women would be excited to get a new washer and dryer or a new vacuum, or even that fancy-shmancy-one-cup-at-a-time coffee maker, I would not. When I wrote Maverick’s marriage vows I included his promise that he would never give me an appliance as a gift. Although a few years later I would have given my baby’s soul to the devil for a dishwasher, I never rescinded that promise….only amended it slightly to say I would accept an appliance as a gift if it came with a piece of diamond jewelry. Maverick thought he was pretty swift the year he bought me a fancy vibrator but once I took it apart and didn’t find that diamond watch I had been hankering for, I made him return it. Which was really a double whammy because he hates to return things. Plus I’m pretty sure they only gave him store credit. And now that I’m really thinking about it, I’m wondering if those things are even returnable. I kind of hope that they aren’t, because that’s pretty gross. But I digress.

I don’t want anything homemade. Sure, if you are a master baker like my mother I’d love some of your goodies. Just don’t try to pass them off as anything more than a hostess gift. If you insist on giving me something homemade it had better be something homemade that you bought in a store. Miles, Bianca and Max pay attention here: you all have jobs or lots of birthday money in your wallets and you can either drive to the mall or walk to the bus stop or use your father’s credit card to shop on the internet. It was cute when you were little and gave me things like “breakfast in bed” (something I truly abhor, but we can talk about that more as Mother’s Day approaches), “a hug,” drew me a picture or made me a card, but once your teachers stopped helping you make stuff in school those gifts got kind of lame and if you ask me, you just got cheap and lazy. Time to step up to the plate and buy your mother a nice present, from a store, and don’t forget to ask for a box when you buy it so you don’t put a weird shaped package under the tree, it really ruins the whole look. Also, please don’t give me a “Christmas Coupon” that says you’ll do chores around the house. You know what I mean: “this coupon can be redeemed for taking out the trash” or “emptying the dishwasher.” We both know that these are the chores that you are supposed to be doing anyway, and just because you don’t ever do them doesn’t mean you can give them to me for Christmas.

Maverick pay attention to this next one: don’t buy me anything that I will need to make payments on. Yes it’s true that you earn the money, but I manage it, and while it pains me to say this, the days of you popping into the jewelry store and coming out with something that could finance the rebuilding of Haiti are over. Also don’t buy me sexy pajamas. You might want them but I don’t. That’s just a sneaky way of buying yourself a gift and that’s not in the spirit of the season, now, is it??

Speaking of pajamas, I don’t want pajamas of any kind. Three years ago I asked for pajamas and everyone in my extended family bought me pajamas (see what happens when nobody is managing your Christmas list?) and thank you very much I have a different pair of flannel pajamas for every night of the week and that’s enough for me.

Lastly, don’t go rogue and get me some random thing from a random store that I never shop in, unless that store is on the Boulevard Haussmann in Paris or the Via Dei Condotti in Rome. If you think it’s “different” and I would “love it” because you do, you are probably wrong. Be honest with yourself: you and I have never had the same taste.

If you follow these simple guidelines and put a little extra thought into it, I’m sure that I’ll absolutely love whatever you choose for me! But just in case, you had better include the gift receipt.