There's a Hair in My Mole

Yesterday I lost a steak. A nice, big, raw flank steak. I know I took it home from the market, and I know it came in the house with me. Which is good because once I lost an avocado and when I found what looked like a moon rock in the trunk of my car four months later I was relieved. I had thought I left it at the Shop Rite after paying for it. One of my kids ended up using it in his model of the solar system for the second-grade science project.  So it was a win-win.

It seems like some sort of weird trend I am on, because last week I lost my beach badge. That was really annoying because I have had it with me every single day of the summer, and the attendant at the beach entrance never asked to see it. The first day I show up without my badge, there is some new farty lady at the booth and she puts me on the ropes. Mind you this was the last week of summer, I mean really, who cares? Does she own the beach?? She gets me all confused and flustered and I start lying that my husband has it and he’s already on the beach. So she locks up the booth and follows me down the beach to see my badge. Only problem was that Maverick did not have my badge and he was not on the beach. But I found a different “husband” on the beach and by the way, a big shout out to him! He went along with my charade and waved a beach badge without missing a beat! I owe you a beer, if I ever see you again, which I really wouldn’t mind, as you were a real cutie. And, NO, Charles, that guy is not my secret boyfriend, you can take your head out of the oven.

The problem compounded the next day when I realized the badge was truly lost after I turned my house upside down and inside out looking for it. I called Miles and Bianca, both hundreds of miles away, to ask if they knew where it was. You can imagine that my concern and distress was not appreciated by them. “Geez, Mom, just pay the seven bucks! What’s the big deal? You’re making me late for class.” Oh, excuse me, I didn’t mean to bother you busy college students with my silly little problems, making you late for class, especially that you were so late entering the world after I labored for over 24 hours with each of you.

True it’s just seven bucks, but it was just the point: I paid for the season and why didn’t that Beach Nazi believe me? Day Two I went all the way to the city clerk to demand she look up my file and issue me a new badge. Well she must be in cahoots with the Nazi at the gate because she told me there are no refunds! I didn’t want a refund I just wanted to get on the beach! Ugh. Of course my attitude didn’t help my case so I decided to sneak past the booth. I waited until there was a big family with coolers and chairs and umbrellas paying their way in, but I felt badly when they were about to get charged for me too, as the Nazi spied me hiding behind a big hat. I tried appealing to her sense of compassion:

“I lost my badge, I’ve had it with me all summer and I can’t believe I just lost it!  I guess since I sent my daughter off to college and have been so upset worrying and crying all the time I have become a bit absent minded….and then the hurricane knocked those trees onto our house and we got flooded and had no electricity for three days… I might have lost track of a few things… I mean we did lose track of the dog, she swam away…. Thank god we got her back (see her photo on my phone?  isn’t she the cutest?), but maybe that’s when the beach badge went missing too, and I guess I should have noticed it floating away with my credit cards but we were busy rescuing my grandmother from the nursing home…  By the way, that’s such an attractive hair-do, are you a part-time model? because you should totally give that a shot what with your fabulous figure, and sense of style, did you hand-paint that cat on your tee-shirt? I am not kidding I am SO glad you are up here in this booth and not lying near me on the beach I’d be so jealous! So, do you offer a discount for a replacement badge?”

“No.”

What a Beach Nazi Bitch.  I hope she chokes on the cat hair that was clinging to her hideous, cat-face, tee-shirt.   I paid my way, but now I felt compelled to spend at least four hours on the beach to make it worth my while! Day Three and Four without the badge went about the same….I logged a total of 14 hours on the beach, just to get my money’s worth, and now I officially have the skin of my 96 year old grandmother, who, by the way, is safe and sound.

I found my beach badge this morning as I was looking for the steak. In the fruit drawer. The one place I didn’t look last week. And now the beach is closed. Damn.

Which brings us back to the steak.  I considered the fact that my housekeeper is a big Lady Gaga fan and perhaps she is trying her hand at making a meat dress. I don’t notice any other meats missing from my freezer, but there’s always the possibility that she’s looting meats from her other clients as well. Unless she just wanted to make a meat purse.  That steak would have been big enough for that. If she didn’t take it, the steak will surely present itself soon enough, as it starts to rot.  I’m looking forward to that like a heart attack.

I wonder if Charles wants to do some extra credit in Science…..